Brownnn!!!!!!

Chale, sometimes when some paddy bi calls you and says "Chale you've been brown oo," you know you just don't have any excuse. And I've been very brown, I've been browning God the whole week and I feel really bad about it. It's become of those things where you've been so brown that you feel like dis one deir, it too bad and you don't know how to go back to the person so you can get cool again. So hopefully, this blog post will help me get past that stage and actually go back to the place that I enjoy being at.




So the browning started off with me not being sure of my exam. Truthfully, I had never been more scarred of an exam than this time. A lot of the time you see people shaking and being all "Chale this one dier, am Scarred o." But for me, I've never really felt that way. I've always had this peace with exam; always been very calm about it all. Most of it has been pride, thinking I was too much of a shark to bomb; I mean, even if I did bomb, at least I wouldn't be last. I didn't like to think that way. My mind was very against it l but I know a little bit of my heart felt like that. So I tried my best to tell God as often as possible that my blowing/bombing was dedicated to him; to tell him to do it so it would be his work and he would get the glory. I even tried to write on all my scripts a little dedication to God: "G. Yours!" But I know that a little bit of my heart still felt it was my own strength. And that's what God Got rid of this exam, or at least I hope he did.



So there I was approaching my exam: 1. I hadn't gotten the highest achievable grade in any mathematics school work this semester, and Math is one of my favorites; rather, I had gotten a probable all time lowest to be recorded in the school. It was a really bad grade. 2. My French grades were looking horrible. 3. Physics hadn't been the best this semester either. 4. I had become very complacent in economics because I thought I was a shark, but my recent bombings had shown me that I wasn't that good. 5… I mean the list is very long but generally, I was feeling so down, because according to all my standards, I was just going to bomb. There was no way the feeling I was having was the normal exam feeling. I mean I felt like… It was all just really bad.

So I muster the courage to go to God with the same "G. Yours!!" that my mind had forced me to believe. But this time I was attaching some conditions. "Lord, even if you give me a 4 (out of 7; my school's grading system) in math, I'll still praise you" I mean I was supposed to be asking him to do something great, or at least to do his will and I was, I dunno, trying to make excuses for him, just so if I bombed, i would be justified. I dunno if I'm explaining it well but, what was happening is that, I was trying to ask God for the grades I knew my strength would get because I wasn't fully surrendered to his strength and his will. I realize I hadn't really expected him to make a difference for all those times that I had asked him to take care of my exam grades. And once again, I was going to write with my own strength and put God name to it. But that's where I was wrong because I realize that God did use his strength this time, and has used his strength for me ever since the beginning; but more on that later.



So that was the first bad feeling. But another thing that crept in was the time I wasn't spending in prayer or in the word. I mean am supposed to be a prayer warrior in training and be stroffing the Bible right now; like actually chewing it if I have to. I started on that one and it was affected by my brownness too. I never accept any excuse from myself when it comes to some stuff, and this time I felt like I was taking it too lightly. There continued my gradual descent and the more I avoided God, the easier it got and has gotten to avoid him. Easy in that there was a new excuse: "It's not time to go back to him yet." But it's also very hard browning God because you know he is just staring down at you and waiting for you to see when you're going and return. That feeling is painful I kept whispering I'm sorry without actually saying it. And what made it even worse, I had planned to write a post to ya'll about making God a Sunday God. About confining him to our Sundays and forgetting to have the same passion for him throughout the week. And that's exactly what I was doing. It really hung on me; not a great feeling.



Then God did something. I saw some of the papers I'd been very scarred of bombing. And God had been amazing. It was a shocker to see him do what he had done with them. I was awestruck. God is gye3 papa. I told people and not many of them understood the gravity of the statement I was making: I repeat: "GOD IS GYE3!!!!!!!!!" It was amazing that he was doing this beautiful thing while I was being so brown to him. It's like you deciding not talking to someone on a particular week and then he decides to give you exactly what you wanted for your birthday that next week. I did give him the praise and I was very grateful, but since I was being brown, my praise couldn't be sounded; I couldn't scream it loud enough.


The last bit of my brownness: I've been going crazy over "Silence is deadly" by P4CM's Ezekiel. I almost know the whole thing by heart. And according to that poem, I've just killed a lot of people by not telling them that I didn't think God approved of what they were doing. One time I even had to battle with my lips to be quiet about. I hope to tell her very soon, but a friend was listening to some music, and knowing about music, I knew that what she was listening to was potentially dangerous. I mean music is very powerful and can cause lives to be thrown out of balance with God; but that's for another post. But because I felt like I had been browning God too much to been a position to do a little preaching, I went "Shhhhhh."



Ya, so I have been on an all-time high in browning levels and I haven't liked it. Especially because I have felt so far from the wonderful, cozy arms of my savior, and because I can feel it has brought the devil the opportunity to tempt me into even more dangerous sins. But I thank God for giving me the opportunity to blog tonight. I think it giving me a proper assessment of the situation and I know I never wanna brown again…So Lord I thank you for finding me. I thank you for the light. Lord just as I pray for strength to for all my wonderful blog readers, I ask for strength for myself. I wanna pray that you shall enable us all to be always conscious of you and return to you the moment we see we stray. I pray that:

Until next time and ever after, you'll give us grace to walk… in royal stepz…