my Paul situation...

I feel terrible...

I can't say why. Actually, I can, I just won’t. I've only ever said why in very few cases.

I'm almost in tears now, because I don't know what to do. I don't want to make this post all emotional because this blog was meant to be for God, not me. But allow me to leak in a few of my emotions as I go along.

First, I'd like to apologize; I never kept my weekly rule. I've missed a lot of weeks and I've become inconsistent. But trust me, I think about inRoyalStepz all the time. Part of the problem has been my laziness; partly, just no knowing what to write. And I'm sorry for that. I know people like this blog and follow it. So I would really like to promise you that I will become more consistent. But I fell too human to do that right now.

Now to what this is really about: My Paul situation:

Paul said: Romans 7:19- 20
For I don't do the good I want to do, but instead do the evil that I don't want to do. But if I do what I don't want to do, I am no longer the one who is doing it, but it is the sin that lives in me.

I find this situation in my life, and I feel very much like what I think Paul felt like when he said this. I feel very much like David as well when he said: in Psalm 51

For I know my transgressions; And my sin is ever before me. Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, And done that which is evil in thy sight; That thou mayest be justified when thou speakest, And be clear when thou judgest.

I feel horrible. Worse is, this is not because I have sinned; But because I sin and the Paul situation keeps dragging me down.

Psalm 51 is perfect for my situation. It's the desperate cry of a man who needs to be scrapped off of his sin. But I need something to help my Paul situation, because I've prayed psalm 51 many times, but "the evil I do not want to do, I do."

I think I know why I keep on doing this. I find myself constantly putting myself in a place where I'm prone to sin. I don't pray like I should. I don't read the word like I should. I don't listen to God like I should. I find I always place myself in situations that let me fall. The worst part is that I know this. But I keep making the same mistakes.

What makes it harder is, I a lot of people see me as the "ultimate Christian." God has placed me here, He want me to be his light. But instead of being this light bulb, I just feel like I'm being a black bulb covered in shiny paper.

I in no way make my sin disqualify me from being in love with God. I still am. I just find sin at work in my life in a way that I can't seem to get out. Like, the more I read Romans 7: 13- 25, the more I see what is at work in my life. And the only thing Paul says to comfort me, is:

"Thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, with my mind I myself serve the law of God, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin."

Trust, that isn't very helpful. I want my flesh DEAD!

So here's an appeal: whatever verse, whatever prayer, whatever you have to offer me, to pull me out of my predicament with sin and Flesh, please, tell, me. I'm not gonna give any great advices on this one; I need too much help on this one to give any. Please, pray for my Paul situation…

Until next time, I leave me grace to walk, in Royal stepz...